Heaven is Paperwork Free
One of the things I look forward to the most in heaven is that it will be a bureaucracy-free zone. There will be no paperwork. There will be no BS. If you know me at all, you know that details are not my strong suit. Paperwork, data collection, billing, making calls to deal with contracts and rules are my nemesis. I am currently applying for a new license for my profession. I have been certified for over 20 years, nationally and have had multiple licenses in multiple states, yet every time I take on a new gig, I have to get a new license. And the paperwork is unbelievably complicated. Paperwork is exhausting for me. My handwriting is messy. I am disorganized and paperwork is very hard for me. I am not built for it.
Every single time I have to do my taxes or fill out a form for something , I get incredible anxiety. It’s just too much, and I usually put it off to the last possible minute. Paperwork is a necessary evil, but I hate it. Usually any form that I fill out is filled out incorrectly. The instructions are usually incredibly complicated and there are a million tiny things you have to do to get it right. I feel like it’s a crapshoot if I am going to get the form right. There is always going to be an error. I don’t think it is just me either. Licensure websites are not clear. In fact, no websites are clear, in my opinon. I have a master’s degree. You would think I would know how to fill out a basic form. It is not easy. It’s boring. ha. In fact, getting a driver’s license, going to a doctor, getting gas for my car, brushing my teeth and filling out any kind of form for anything are things that I hate. Yes, I am throwing a fit.
It’s not that I hate all responsibility. There are some things that I like about being responsible. I like taking care of people. I like cooking. I even like keeping my house organized and clean—well for the most part. I do not love doing the chores, but I hate my house being a mess more.
I have finally figured out in my 50’s that I have ADHD. I am pretty sure I have always had it, but as I learn more about neurodiversity since my mother died, I am more aware of my symptoms than ever before. Maybe the grief has exacerbated the symptoms or maybe I just don’t have the patience for it anymore. But I think the symptoms are getting worse. I have flight of ideas, all of the time. My latest is opening a pop up hot dog stand and calling it “underdog”. It will be a secret hotdog stand that only opens at special times, and you have to have the QR code to know where it will be. Don’t steal my idea. Anyway, I digress….another symptom.
I am super creative. I can throw a party together in 30 minutes, create a fun game for adults or children off the top of my head and write a fun story in an hour, but filling out a form makes me want to poke my eyes out. I also have a lot of trouble being on time.”Time blindness” has always been part of my personality. I remember friends always waiting for me. They would lie about what time we really need to be somewhere. I still have trouble managing time. Thank goodness I am fun, because most people are willing to wait for me. They let me get away with it. Ask anyone. I have never been on time, and I have always gotten away with it, even in high school and college. I was high-achieving in spite of my disorganization. Maybe that’s why I have always managed to get by. I also always run out of gas and lose my phone and keys and wallet. I overcommit and thrive in chaos. I also struggle with depression at times and financial disorganization. Apparently, all of these are part of ADHD. It’s not an excuse, but it sure explains a lot.
Back to paperwork. For a brain like mine, it feels like I am going into a death cave when I have to fill out forms. You should see this checklist for this license that I am currently working on. You would think I am going to work for the CIA or something. It’s unbelievably complicated. I hate it. It is pointless and repetivtive and monotnous. I almost think it’s a test. If you can complete all of these steps, we will give you your license, because you must be smart if you can follow all of these directions.
Am I the only one that feels this way? I think not.
I am vowing right now at 52 to get an administrative assistant or someone who can help me be more productive by doing my paperwork for me. I do much better when someone is doing the little things and the monotonous things for me: making airline reservations, filling out forms, making lists, sending emails and taking care of the details. I really think life would be so much better if those things were taken care of. I had graduate assistants when I worked at the university and they sure made my life so much better. They could take care of details so that I could take care of the things I am good at. Details—they truly make my brain feel like it’s full of mush and I want to die or sleep.
I am an idea person. I love counseling and providing help and information. I am a problem solver. I am a creator, writer and thinker. I am good with people. I am terrible with paper. I am a pretty good teacher, mentor, coach and therapist. I just need someone else to provide the structure, the details. Let me come up with the ideas. My dopamine craving brain seeks rewards constantly, so I have to set up structure that will reward me after I do the necessary evils of daily life.
I believe there is a place where Jesus lives where paperwork is not required. I will never have to fill out another form and deal with all the rules of filling things out correctly, and sending the right documentation and getting things notarized and turned in on time. My passport is expired, and that is the next thing I need to get done that takes tons of time and lots of steps that are complicated. I do not want to do it, but I must if I want to travel again outside the country—which I do. Paperwork is necessary this side of heaven. Details and responsibilities and things we do not want to do are part of this world.
Well, I am off to the post office to send the forms in for my new license. Wish me well. I sure hope the background check, letters, multiple forms and copies, and notarized documents and birth certificates and proof of citizenship and unbelievable regulatory monotony helps me get my 18th license. It’s so ridiculous, but it’s the price I pay for being on earth.
If you or someone you love struggles with ADHD, contact Amy Livingston, Consultant, ADHD Coach and Speech-Language Pathologist at https://a-l-consulting.squarespace.com to make an appointment.
